I am a Liar-But God is a Forgiver

Let me just state for the record, that I don't "feel" like writing this blog. I like writing blogs that make me look good and display how obedient I am to God, but I'm going to write it because, well I don't know, just because, so here it goes...

I am a liar. And in Celebrate Recovery fashion..."Hi, my name is Mia and it's been 4 hours since my last really BIG lie."

I am a liar and what I find so ironic about this statement is this.....a few weeks ago I stood at a Celebrate Recovery meeting and gave my testimony and said "I used to be a liar, thief and a cheater." Now hear I am today with the reality and truth that I am still a liar thrown right in my face. It's really ugly and I don't like it and I don't like to admit it. I don't like how the lie in hand just rolled off my tongue and justified itself on the way out. It kinda of nauseates me how I have the ability to rationalize it and make it an "ok" kind of lie.

Now the story. This morning, my day started out great. I had a wonderful meeting at Starbucks with a local Pastor as we discussed worship and the excitement of the upcoming Sunday. We talked, prayed and went on our way. It was great.

I then moved myself to an outdoor table to continue on my own in Bible study and personal prayer time. I opened my Bible and read a devotion from "My Utmost for His Highest" and was moved beyond words. I had to stop mid devotion and pray. This was my prayer "God, will you please use me right here, right now to be a light to someone. Will you bring someone that will come to my table so that I can sit and pray with them." That was my prayer and I waited in expectation for the person he would bring.

I sat there continuing on in my time with the Lord, peeking my eyes up to the people that went through the doors throwing them a warm smile, wondering.."Is this the one Lord?" Then a man on a bike came up to the lady next to me asking for money and then opened His invitation to me as well. THAT'S when it happened I opened my mouth as he came over and I said "I don't carry cash, but I would be happy to go in a buy you a coffee or something to eat."

Arrrgggggg! That was my lie and here is how my mind justified it. Truth is this "Normally" I don't carry cash, but today I did and I knew I did. "Normally" I am very happy to give to people, but today, I wanted to control HOW I gave and give the way I wanted to. FACT: Once you open your mouth and lie, it is very difficult to back pedal without making yourself look bad and I didn't want to make myself look bad and fess up.

So I asked him what else I could do. He asked me to pray for Him. (whammy, right in my face) He was the one God sent and I blew it. Now, with a bit excited and looking for a little redemption, we sat there, prayed together and I marveled at how the Lord worked. This humble man was not bitter, not angry because I "supposedly" didn't have anything to give, He just trusted and prayed. Now don't tune off cause this is not the end of the story.

After we prayed he came back to me and said "The Lord is laying on my heart for us to read, before you make a final decision, Deutoronomy 15: 9-10, (but I am going to list verses 7-11. They are powerful) 7 If anyone is poor among your fellow Israelites in any of the towns of the land the LORD your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward them. 8 Rather, be openhanded and freely lend them whatever they need. 9 Be careful not to harbor this wicked thought: “The seventh year, the year for canceling debts, is near,” so that you do not show ill will toward the needy among your fellow Israelites and give them nothing. They may then appeal to the LORD against you, and you will be found guilty of sin. 10 Give generously to them and do so without a grudging heart; then because of this the LORD your God will bless you in all your work and in everything you put your hand to. 11 There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your fellow Israelites who are poor and needy in your land.

Talk about a smack in the face. This was no accident. God DID want me to read this. God knew the condition of my heart and the lies that I used to justify this condition. Then to top it all off, He, the man on the bike, prayed for me.

I needed a moment. I asked him to give me time and He did. That's when I went before God, asked for forgiveness and crawled my way back to my purse. The walk of shame, BUT also the walk of forgiveness in grace. One of my regrets now as I sit in my home is this...that I didn't give him more. Even after all that, I held on to something that wasn't even mine to begin with. The money, the cash, it doesn't even belong to me. Why do I think I can hold it back.

So I guess what I have re-learned in a shameful, grace-filled way is what 1 John 1:5-10 says
"... that God is light and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not live according to the truth; but if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin." "AND MOST IMPORTANTLY "If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just, and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us."

I am thankful that God forgives, I am thankful that he reminds me how much I need him to battle my flesh every moment. I am thankful that He is not done with me yet and that His grace and mercy cover me everyday. I need him. I can't even open my mouth, which is like a grave, without him. (Romans 3:13 Their throats are open graves;their tongues practice deceit.) I need him to guard my every thought, every action, my heart and mind in Christ. I NEED YOU GOD!

So the bit of irony is that as I reflect on my Starbuck's prayer to God, for Him to bring me someone to pray for, I believe the true prayer that went up was, bring me someone to pray for me. And God answered and He answered quickly. Praise be to God!